Depression is a devious affliction that can sneak up on one. We all have our Ups & Downs in our Life, we need the Downs in order to more fully enjoy our Up times. Depression is when we are stuck in our Down times and we find it more and more difficult to find our Up times. This is why depression is so devious, it is easy to DENY that one is depressed, one is just in a Down time. One thinks that they will get over it with the next Up time. Instead the Down time just gets worse and worse.
My depression started around 1990 when I took my Union to the Human Rights Tribunal and won. For about 12 years I had been active in the Union representing the members in the hospital I worked at. I was beginning to be burnt-out from representing members on a issue and winning, then fighting the same issue a month or so later for another member, it seemed pointless and not really making any lasting chances. Then the Union officials violated a member's Human Rights and I spent 2 years trying to negotiate a resolution, that the Union did not want to resolve. At the tribunal I forced some Union by-law changes that protected the members from the Union officials. This ended my Union career. I felt that the last 12 years were a waste, except for the changes in the by-laws.
In 1994 I left the hospital, with the thought that if I was ever going to do something else in my Life that I had to do it now - 45 years old. I had the opportunity to go back to school for a year of computer training and to get into a computer technician career. This was good for a year or so - then I discovered that I was too old to get a decent position in this field - companies wanted younger technicians. End up selling computers.
In 1998 I got a job with a city municipality doing the same work as I had been doing at the hospital. This was the crown of my depression. I felt that I had wasted the last 4 years and I was right back in the job that I was trying to get away from. My friends and family we happy for me - I was back in a good government paid job and secure.
It was the years between 1998 and 2000 that the depression really became serious. During this time I was only really leaving my apartment to go to work every day, and that was a chore. Friends would ask me out and more often than not I would decline, thinking that I would just have to come back to my apartment anyway. I started to eat only because I had too, I did not see the point in eating as I would just have to eat later anyway. It became clear that I was avoiding the Ups because they were not as enjoyable as they use to be and it would just end in a Down. It was not a pleasant place to be and I was quickly getting tired of LIFE.
It was at this point, fall of 1999, that I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer.
Depression is devious because it sneaks up on one over a long time. One may not be fully aware that they are depressed until they find themselves in a deep depression that is difficult to find their way out.
It is now 10 years since I started my spiritual journey and finding my way out of DEPRESSION. It has been with the help of family, friends and teachers that have helped me to get this far. It also is with a lot of determination on my part to find my way to where I am today. Even today I still find myself struggling with the depression, and I still have times when I need to force myself to enjoy myself.
When we have experienced DEEP DEPRESSION - depression becomes a DEMON within us that we are constantly struggling with. When we are confronted with this DEMON we need to look towards what we find enjoyable - art, music, friends, pray, yoga, sports, anything that we find enjoyment in. Also the realization that we are fighting this DEMON allows us to be in a better position to keep the DEMON under control. It is when we DENY that we are depressed or the existence of our DEMON that we are in a dangerous situation, this DEMON can deceive us.
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